So, as it turns out, there is no award show or other public recognition for great Blong (blog + song) performances each year. I know. I was surprised too. I assumed, of course, that I would certainly be under some serious consideration if there were. Imagine my disappointment. I’ve given it some thought, though, and I think there are a couple of reasonable justifications:
1. No one knows what a blong is. Doubtful, but an interesting theory.
2. I’m the only person in the world that blongs. Likely, but no reason not to recognize and trophy me.
3. People think blonging is stupid. Doubtful, because it’s plainly not.
4. People think blongs are illegal. Likely, because they are in four state jurisdictions. Plus, they seem suspicious. Like a Zima.
5. People are jealous of blongs. Likely. I am handsome and smart . . . err, they are.
6. “Blong” is a racial slur in Portugese. Unfortunately, this is actually true. It’s roughly translated “white devil” or “rowdy Asian” depending on the syntax.
7. Blongs created the financial cliff. Not true. They will, however, navigate it in a rubber intertube and refuse to share food stores. “You greedy son of gun, you, you blong!”
8. Blongs carry rabies. Not true. Glaucoma.
9. Blongs can put an eye out. True, but that’s why they should only be enjoyed with protective eye gear or a riot shield and under parental supervision.
10. Blongs hate dolphins. Come on. That’s just ridiculous.
11. Blongs hate porpoises. True.
12. Blongs do illicit drugs. Not since 10th grade and nothing heavier than the “Great White Steed.”
But, whatever the real reason, no organization or site has taken up the important task of recognizing greatness in the storied art of blonging. Consider the oversight rectified.
It is my privilege, therefore, to announce the 1st Annual Press Junkies, awarded for exceptional contributions in blonging and blong related enterprise. To avoid any conflicts of interest, the selection committee was chosen from the Blonging Academy, a distinguished and independent group of one individual with many years’ experience in blonging and blong adjudicating. The committee was tasked with reviewing every blong in the entire interwebs and known physical universe. He, errr, the committee evaluated all such blongs for content, accuracy, musical composition, steroid and PED usage, word choice, pain tolerance, viscosity, relevance, cadmium levels, awesomnivitimousness, punctuation, humidity, fast-twitch muscle fibers, cholera, concealed weapons, x-ray vision, durability, senility, vertical jump, ability to tolerate extreme temperatures, and invisibility.
And, the winners are:
1. Best Blong involving both Dick Clark and a Hologram of a Deceased Gangster Rapper
This category boasted an especially strong field of nominees. Including, “Dick and Pac” and, the imminently singable, “White People Watch American Bandstand, Black People Watch Soul Train.” But, the Press Junkie goes to . . .
Hologram Bandstand by the ipoetlaureate of The Press Junket
Really, really, really witty title. Dope beat. Holograms. A well-timed reference to a “funky phantasm.” Simply one of the best songs ever done about Dick Clark and a holographically projected Tupac Shakur. And, that’s saying something. There have been some classic ones.
2. Best Blong involving the Consumption of Human Flesh
A new category this year. Blongs about cannibalism and anthropophagy are certainly on the rise and the Academy wanted to recognize this growing field. This year’s winner set itself apart, however, by also cleverly incorporating romance with a zombie wife, a particularly poignant touch. I think we all would agree that there is almost nothing more touching than a bloody smile of teeth-shredded human flesh but this one was particularly moving:
Walking Dead by the ipoetlaureate of The Press Junket
3. Best Blong Involving Chaps and a Horse Whinny
You had me at African-American polo players:
A King’s Sport by the ipoetlaureate of The Press Junket
4. Best Economics Blong
But, I mention the rapper Lil’ Scrappy in The Capitol Gains and repeatedly confuse the Buffett Rule with a Shoney’s All-You-Can-Eat breakfast bar, so it takes the Junkie by a hair. (Also by the ipoetlaureate of The Press Junket.)
5. Best Presidential Campaign Blong
Seeing how it was an election year, there were many entries to consider for this category. Blongers in every poly-stringed corner of the multi-verse chronicled the epic electoral contest between President Obama and the Republican nominee, Mitt Romney. If there was one campaigning rap song this year, there must have been 1000. Maybe the most heavily blonged election in human history.
These few, however, stood out, in particular: The folksy tale of the Iowa Caucuses, Show of Hands; the fast-paced and breathless, Pitch Perfect; and the derision of Brendon Frazier and human cruelty, in Haircut.
But, the Junkie goes to the artsy, coffee shop ballad, Adults in the Room by the ipoetlaureate of The Press Junket. The Academy is committed to making sure that at least one blong that all “regular people” hate wins a Junkie each year. Congratulations to Adults in the Room.
6. Best Blong about Edible Transportation
Easy AND delicious:
One Gear by the ipoetlaureate of The Press Junket
7. Best Pro-Blood-Doping Blong or Blong otherwise about a Bicycle
This category came down to a song about curing hunger and the prior winner for Best Blong about Edible Transportation, One Gear, and Livestrong, a plea to inject the blood of protein rich animals into your veins.
As the former is philanthropic and the latter is a call to base and selfish cheating, I think it’s pretty clear who the winner is:
Livestrong by the ipoetlaureate of The Press Junket.
8. Best Sports Blong
Although the blongosphere covers a lot of real sport in blong every year, this year’s Sports Blong Junkie recipient goes to a blong about not-real sports. Namely, the Great American Pastime of conducting an online fantasy football draft. It wins for its duel threat of not-real sport trash talking and shameless self-promotion as the anthem for ESPN’s Fantasy Football Focus podcast show (which did not in fact make said blong the anthem for its show!).
Autodraft Beef by the ipoetlaureate of The Press Junket
Autodraft Beef narrowly beat out the fan favorite, Grace to Fail, a moving tribute to asians playing basketball. They’re so cute how they intellectually dribble and shoot like a karate punch. No song has been quite so important to sport since Eddie Rabbit’s convicting ballad about the secret world of dyslexia in indoor lacrosse, Read ‘em and Weep.
9. Blong Music Producer of the Year
This year’s nominees include pumpkinFoot, djclutch, Sundance, and Dave Santos. There were numerous other contributors but these four individuals’ musical work repeatedly rose to the top when I needed it the most. This category is not about volume or usage but about impact.
10. Blonger of the Year
Blonger of the Year was maybe the most competitive category. It came down to me, my wife’s husband, the operator of my 3 Twitter accounts, one of my 14 rap aliases, my neighbor’s neighbor to the right, and me. All deserving nominees, of course. These individuals have worked tirelessly to provide us with some of the most important and groundbreaking blongs of the year. Me has been especially prolific but me should not be forgotten for his particularly elaborate body of work. Unfortunately, however, only one me can win.
This year’s Blonger of the Year recipient is a remarkable individual. He has won every possible Press Junkie category. He loves all of humanity exactly the same amount. He once nursed a baby meerkat back to life. And, he recently opened a not-for-profit, 24-hour Wendy’s Famous Hamburgers. He eats only naturally occurring, non-HMO grasses and paleolithic era protein bars and gels. His core temperature is love. He once recited the Preamble to the U.S. Constitution to school children in its native translation, Canadian.
And, this year’s Press Junkie Blonger of the Year is:
The ipoetlaureate!!! [Looks around frantically at the crowd and then hugs aforementioned wife. Covers mouth and shakes his head disbelievingly as he races to the front. Other me(s) congratulate me with a slap on the back as I pass by. Thanks God for making him the best blonger in the history of the world, thanks his wife and kids, and toasts the late Dave, father of Wendy and posthumous franchisor.]
11. Blong of the Year
The Academy’s selection committee was able to whittle down the list of potential Blong of the Year nominees to a manageable and competitive 78 (all of which can be yours today for the affordable retail of just $15).
But, one epitomized most perfectly the ethos of blonging: interesting and timely story, a clever take, stirring song, and jellyfish. At it’s core song blogging is about capturing disparate moments and making them common. And, sometimes the stars align to bring together multiple stories in a news cycle that make the same point, in the same poetic way. In a roughly 48-hour period this year, women were admitted to Augusta National and a 60+ year-old Diana Nyad made a fourth attempt to swim from Cuba to the coast of Florida. Both stories celebrated the strength of the human spirit and, particularly, the feminine resolve. One on land and one in the water. And, from those accounts came a song about the deadliest jellyfish in the world and the lowest glass ceiling, a tin cup:
This concludes the presentation of the 1st Annual Press Junkies. Next year, I promise a big name host, like Kid Rock or Kevin Bacon or Honey Boo Boo. Someone with real comedic edge and hosting chops. Maybe even like Madonna or Sinbad. We’ll see.
But, don’t click away. I still owe you a year-in-review blong.
So, among many choices, one of the most iconic images of the year was of Felix Baumgartner, moon-booted toes to the edge, moments before his suborbital jump.
He is quoted to have said, “I’m coming home.”
It’s a great juxtaposition. A radical trip to the edge of the sky, only to jump back home faster than the speed of sound. This and every year should be about such an outrageous leap of faith. But, one that rockets and propels us back to the beauty and relation and comfort and joys of our home and family and belief.
But, in flying we are always coming over something. A cliff or a cloud or a reputation or a tragedy. Another year over. We’ve got to get over.
We’ve got to get over to fly.
God Bless and Happy New Year.
Performed by ipoetlaureate. Music produced by Dave Santos.
Today’s blong here:Fallin' 2012