Miracle on MLK Jr. Blvd.

I was pretty sure this had already been resolved 25 years ago. Santa is plainly black:

But, apparently it’s an issue of some continuing debate. An African American high school student was told by his teacher that he couldn’t be Santa because he was black (and Santa is not, I guess). The boy was “embarrassed” and allegedly wants “nothing to do with Christmas” anymore. It seems the incident grew out of an in-class discussion concerning recent remarks made by a news anchor — who was reacting to an editorial challenging the Chief Elf’s ethnicity — insisting Santa was white.

Quick frolic. I’m calling a little shinannigans on this story. This 14 year-old wants nothing to do with Christmas anymore because some jack-leg teacher told him he couldn’t dress up like Santa Claus? Really? I’m not sure this story is accurately reflecting either the priorities or sensitivities of high school age youth. Plus, I have a PS4 here that says he still might want something to do with yule tide cheer.

Most people I’ve talked to agree that a child (or high schooler) is entitled to think Santa is black. But, they usually think so for a bunch of really wrong reasons. In an informal poll of friends, I was given the following answers as to why it’s okay for black children to believe in a black santa:

1. “Everyone’s equal.” True. I think. But wrong.

2. “The president is black.” Verifiably true. Absolutely no justification for believing in a black santa.

3. “Because their dads are black.” Presumptuous, even if true, on average. Actually, a pretty decent answer considering dad’s are Santa.

4. “A black santa would be more athletic.” Racist. But, true.

5. “The commercialization of the Santa Clause was instigated at a time when the marginalizationizing of the African-American community lacked the intrinsic power of self-determination to affect any resistance to the coronation of a colonialist agenda to institutionalize the white man as jolly.” Dig.

6. “Jesus was black.” Well played.

HE’S. NOT. REAL!!!!!!

You can imagine him pigmy. Or made of cheez whiz. Or infatuated with martial arts. It’s make believe. And, all of this historical analysis of the ethnicity of Saint Nicholas is even more entertaining. Santa Claus has about as much to do with St. Nicholas as Tim Allen.

In a related story, a Duck Dynasty cast member is on hiatus because he opined that homosexuality is “illogical.” We live in such a goofy society. Was everyone previously operating under the impression that the Duck Dynasty guys were big into LGBT? I assume everyone will also be stunned to learn they don’t do a lot of yoga?

Caught some lights tonight.

mauldin house

It reminded me that I have never ranked my favorite Christmas records. So here are the 2013 Christmas Album Power Rankings:

1. Nat King Cole – “The Christmas Song” Holiday and vocal perfection.

2. Frank Sinatra – “The Christmas Collection” Sinatra was hip hop before hip hop. “This song of mine in three quarter time.” Only Sinatra and rappers talk about the meter of the song, in the song. Respect.

3. Bebo Norman – “From the Realms of Glory” Rebel Jesus. Enough said.

4. Carpenters – “Christmas Collection” Extremely white. Extremely good. “Logs on the fire fill me with desire.” Indeed they do.

5. Michael Buble – “Christmas” For those sexy Christmas occasions.

6. Peter, Paul and Mary – “A Holiday Celebration” Gets me in the Macabean Revolt spirit every time.

7. Amy Grant – “Home for Christmas” For when you like to chase your cheer with a little depression. I’ve read teenage diaries with less personal angst.

8. Andrew Peterson – “Behold the Lamb of God” A theological masterpiece.

9. Mariah Carey – “Merry Christmas” One word. Range.

10. Jackson 5 – “Christmas Album” Six words. I saw mommy kissing [black] Santa Claus.

11. Listener and Dust – “Just in time for Christmas” Does anything say Christmas quite like “atonal dissonance”?

12. Honorable Mention: Vince Guaraldi, John Denver and the Muppets, and New Edition.

Lastly, I’d like to acknowledge that I see you Christmas Jammies family. The grey hair. The mom-sexy brunette. The adorable children. The suburban ooze. The “rap.” Ok. I see what you’re doing. But, just know, if you bite and beef with the undisputed king of news rap and his family you better be built for the long haul. Welcome to the dad rap Terrordome, Jammies. You get yours at the end of today’s blong. Truthfully, you don’t justify the full treatment.

Let’s just say you better keep those draw strings tight. Nah mean?

Performed by theipoetlaureate. Music produced by Jaq.
Today’s blong here:

Rap King Cole