Matthew and Me

I’ve needed some encouragement lately and it’s come in the unlikely form of certain Twitter interaction, namely with @walterthsalter. I landed in Boston two Sundays ago feeling pretty low and found this mashup in my Dropbox.

Me x Matisyahu.

I had literally just revisited Spark Seeker with my kids the week before, after a couple years’ hiatus. It sort of broke me down. Apparently Mr. Burgess had done the remix years ago only to send it now. I mean, exactly right on time. Thought I’d pass it along.

Two grey beards.



Written and performed by sintax.the.terrific and Matisyahu. Remixed by David W. Burgess.

Today’s blong here:

of venisonshine


Bison on Ice

Yeah, I have a song for every occasion. Even North Dakota State football upsets.

But guess what? NDSU isn’t a small upstart and its win yesterday against Iowa wasn’t an historic upset. And it’s not just because, in talent, as has been observed, they can line it up with the “big boys.” They are the big boys.

And, by “big,” I mean “1/8 viking.”

North Dakota State designed its punt rush after a Capital One Card commercial.

They forge their own helmets.

The quarterback’s wristband cheat sheet is written in rune.

The Fargodome doubles as a smokehouse in the offseason.

“The pigskin” is not euphemistic in North Dakota.

They’re not an FCS team. Holy crap. They’re not.

Quick primer. Historically, the biggest colleges in the country played football at the NCAA Division-I level. Oregon. Notre Dame. Alabama. Michigan. Florida State. Ohio State. University of Phoenix Online. (I believe that’s where Larry Fitzgerald played his college ball.)

Below that was a Division I-AA. Furman. Georgia Southern. Richmond. William & Mary. JMU. Montana.

Below the Division I levels were Divisions II and III and something called an NAIA. Apparently, the College of Charleston is very proud of all the basketball national championships it won at the NAIA level, against basketball teams taken from 6 small colleges, two group homes, and a chess club.

A few years ago, a semantic slight of hand attempted to conjoin Division I and Division I-AA into a single Division I with two subdivisions: The Football Bowl Subdivision (FBS) and The Football Championship Subdivision (FCS). See how that’s different than just Division I and Division I-AA? Obviously.

Anyway, like the FBS, the FCS has private and public colleges. But, some of those public colleges are the biggest educational institutions of their respective states. Delaware. Maine. Montana. Montana State. North Dakota State. Institutions where either (1) the name of the college is a State or (2) is the name of a State plus the word “State” or “Tech.” Think Michigan and Michigan State. Or Georgia and Georgia Tech. Or Devry and Devry Institute. Granted most of these public FCS institutions are located in less populated states but these are still the flagship schools of a card-carrying member of our great Union.

And, lookey here at NDSU’s “FBS” victim list:

Colorado State
Kansas State
Iowa State

See a pattern. Middle of the country states. Dimly populated. White, I mean, errr . . . well coached. Sounds a lot like NDSU. Oh except those 6 schools are willing to actually play big time football and take the losses and failure that come with it.

ESPN staff writer, Austin Ward, expertly observed:

Playing a brand of physical, old-school football that wouldn’t look out of place in the Big Ten, the Bison were deserving winners over Iowa.

Right. Because it’s NOT out of place. NDSU is from the exact same dang place.

For a long, long time, nobody cared about Division I-AA/FCS football. But, then it became increasingly clear that television exposure and the opportunity to upset a major FBS school could raise a school’s admissions and money profile through FCS football success similar to a good run in March Madness.

And, when people started caring, these publicly funded FCS institutions were well-suited to capitalize.

North Dakota State University is one such example. À la 5 straight national championships. 5?! Even shameless Appalachian St. had enough collective pride at 14,000 students a year and state funding, to go FBS after only three straight championships.

All of this applies equally to the Delaware’s and Montana’s and Montana Jr.’s of the world as well. How else could Joe Flacco be so elite?

Which is all fine. But, this advantage that comes with size and the support of either half or nearly all of a state’s population and coffers, should temper their pride in success against less comparably postured institutions. It, however, only seems to inflame it.

A major state institution has two options. Either (1) qualify your arrogance over winning multiple National Championships by beating private schools an eighth your size and “upsetting” Corn Pone University D-I schools or (2) move up to FBS with all the other large state schools.

NDSU will accumulate a 6th championship this year in a row and then swear they did something.

I initially visited this topic upon the poor unsuspecting NDSU fan base a few years back when my beloved and properly designated FCS Furman Paladins met the Bison in the playoffs. As you might suspect, they generally flew into a nordic rage although some were quite generous. I appreciated the exchange in all its color.

And, so I apologize for fishing the bison carcass out from under the frozen surface just to put it right back on ice.

But, it has to be said. No one else apparently is willing to throw a flag.

Performed by sintax.the.terrific. Music produced by Fab.
Today’s blong here. Updated and final version of the original with new third verse:

DISCLAIMER: The opinions expressed herein do not reflect the views of Furman University or even its football team. They are exclusively the ramblings of a too compulsive fan acting entirely alone. As in, without any friends to speak of.


Street Legal

There’s a lot of overlap between the arts of lawyering and emceeing. Theater. Persuasion. Costuming. Words. You have to have stage presence. Look the part. Tell a convincing story. Talk a big game. Win the crowd.

As a practitioner of both, I probably haven’t done my job to make you hip to the vocabulary and black letter law.

So, I’m going to periodically include a feature that gives both some technical and everyday explanation of legal terms and concepts. Part street, part legal. Street Legal. See what I did there?

For instance, res ipsa loquitur. It’s a torts doctrine and latin phrase, which literally means “the thing speaks for itself.” It’s a way to hold someone liable for an accident or injury without direct proof that they did it. If the incident or item was completely in a person’s control and the damage done is of the kind only possible through negligence, then the person can be held liable even if there is no eye witness or even circumstantial evidence of her misconduct.

Like holding Erykah Badu responsible for Common’s Electric Circus.

It’s the only explanation. That’s on some res ipsa loquitur, son.

Street legal.



Deep Impact

So the government has announced a special operations exercise called Jade Helm 15. It will run from July 15 through September 15 of this year in various southwestern states, including Texas, New Mexico, and California. It will ostensibly involve tactical maneuvering of military personnel in civilian settings, like neighborhoods and homes.

jade helm

In this same basic footprint, Walmarts have been mysteriously closing various stores for “plumbing” concerns. That’s some systemic dysentery. I’m sort of an expert on Walmart bathrooms and may be partially responsible. I could have seen this coming. It’s not good. But, the deep web has speculated that the stores are being converted for processing centers when martial law is eventually declared.

I personally suspect Obama is trying to monopolize their always low prices. Just like him.

[Street Legal: In wartime or “states of insurrection,” the United States Government or the Governor’s of the respective states can declare martial law and substitute military tribunals for civil ones. Like when ODB bumrushed Shawn Colvin on stage at the Grammy’s. Or Yeezy did T-Swift. Street legal, son.]

So, guess what’s supposed to happen September 15? A 2.5 mile meteor is going to hit the continental United States! Coincidence? That’s called dot connecting folks.

Orrrrrrrrrrrrr there anticipating an attack by ISIS on Texas.

I’m pretty excited either way and making sausage cheese dip in anticipation.

We love a good apocalypse and front row seat to our own demise. There is this strange affection for extinction level events. In movies and real life. Like we want to be paranoid of government takeover under the guise of Jade Helm but we mostly can’t wait.

Pulling up a chair.

Written and performed by sintax.the.terrific. Produced by Dalama Jones.

Today’s blong here:

Keep Shuffling


City Lights

I grew up 20 minutes south of Baltimore. We used to chill at its Inner Harbor. The Constellation is docked there. I took some lady friends to a place called City Lights. Paddle boats. And the Aquarium.

I haven’t been there in 17 years, immediately after our wedding and honeymoon. We had a Ford Explorer full of personal belongings and music equipment. Two large speaker cabinets and amplifier/mixer head. A Dr. Boss sampler.

We improvidently parked deep in the city and the car was broken into and, ironically, the only thing stolen were are wedding photos. We scoured the nearby housing project for them only to find the empty boxes.

Two decades later its all broken out in riot. Baltimore and my life. We both need an inner harbor.

Written and performed by sintax.the.terrific. Produced by Dalama Jones.

Today’s blong here:

Inner Harbor


Endangered Species

In honor of Earth Day, Tim Tebow is a Philadelphia Bald Eagle.


In the wild.

Performed by the sintax.the.terrific. Produced by pumpkinFoot.

Today’s blong here:

All Things


Pro ConTV

Wizard World, the entity behind the most significant of the Comic Con events, has launched an online channel, ConTV.com, featuring the quirky in fantasy, horror, sci-fi, and comedy media and entertainment. Think Elvira meets Bruce Lee meets some movie called “Zombie A$$.”


In honor of the recent launch, today’s blong is an as of yet non-official theme hopefully to be made official soon. I mean it includes a reference to both “Voltron” and “leotard fashion.” I’m not sure what else you could really want in a nerdest anthem.

Under Your Bed (ConTV Theme)

ConTV also hosts original content, including the hit game show, Last Fan Standing, hosted by the indomitable Bruce Campbell.

Last Fan Standing Key Art

I announced previously that I had written the theme for that show, which is now on Episode 6.

The theme song is available now at iTunes and Amazon and can be streamed on Spotify. Search “Last Fan Standing.”

Performed by sintax.the.terrific. Music produced by Sir Chamberlain.

Lyrics here.

Retread blong here:

Last Fan Standing (Official Game Show Theme)


Trailer II

I think Mr. Mcconaughey speaks/weeps for us all.

I already reminded concerning the Rule of Two.

Written and performed by sintax.the.terrific. Music produced Matt Pelishek.

Today’s blong here:

The Empire