Today’s blong here:Lament of the Diamond Star
Today’s blong here:Lament of the Diamond Star
Performed by ipoetlaureate and Sojourners Music. Music produced by djclutch.Evergreen
To survive charity bullies this time of year, you have to be as tough as a tatted up Cracker.
Merry Christmas Eve.
Performed by Rap King Cole a/k/a theipoetlaureate d/b/a sintax.the.terrific & rheomatic.
Today’s blong here:Salvation's Army
Salvation’s Army can be purchased at itunes.com.
In the words of Calhoun Tubbs, “Wrote a song about it. Like to hear it? Hear it goes!” At exactly one, I am the world’s leading expert on Sea World Orca raps. No one has dedicated more of their life’s work to the rapping of Orca related topics than me. To the extent such dedication has been recognized by the academies of science, it has. I have been honored with every possible award and accolade ever given for the rapping of Orca songs. 100% of them. I am known, in Orca, as, “meeeeeaaaaawwwwwwwwwuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa the terrific.”
I finally saw Blackfish.
It largely substantiated the hype. In response to the damning documentary, Sea World has mounted a public relations campaign. I think the movie posed two main questions. First, a moral one. Is it right for us to keep a sophisticated mammal with epic scale emotional and environmental need in what amounts to a wash sink? Notwithstanding the cultural and scientific benefits, the answer seems pretty clearly “no.” The second question is a logistical one. To the extent they remain in captivity, is it permissible for trained handlers to swim with them? I think this question is a closer call than the movie implies. The real indictment of Sea World is a transparency one. Trainers were not given relevant information about the behavioral history of the animals. As a result, they likely were not able to make informed decisions about the attendant risk of their regular proximity to them, rightly justifying substantial bitterness. But, the movie represents an incident rate that suggests that the risk of attack might be an acceptable one so long as trainers are made fully aware and necessary precautions are taken to minimize impact to audiences.
The science is already in. How we treat animals says a lot about us. Apparently, we’re jerkfaces.
In other documentary news, my wife and I just saw A Band Called Death, about the rediscovery of an all-black seventies punk band from Detroit called “Totally Alive.” Just kidding. They were called Death.
A must see. And, it gives me hope that someone’s going to “coming looking” for my blong material one day too. Until then, more Orca raps all around.
Performed by theipoetlaureate. Music produced by djclutch.
Today’s blong here:No Room
I write for a living. And, so I enjoy good copy and a nice turn. But, whoever is doing the correspondence for North Korea is plainly from the future of writing. Or maybe the sideways of writing. Like a type of writing that runs parallel to actual writing. He’s like the North Korean Homer. Or maybe the Commie Charles Shultz. Epic comedy.
In a prior statement North Korea had announced a “Special Operation Action Group,” ambitiously proposing the annihilation of South Korea within a very, very, very narrow timeframe:
Once the above-said special actions kick off, they will reduce all the rat-like groups and the bases for provocations to ashes in three or four minutes, in much shorter time, by unprecedented peculiar means and methods of our own style.
Just yesterday, in reaction to recent South Korean protests, North Korea facsimiled over a statement that again threatened plans to “strike mercilessly without notice,” which is kind of interesting insofar as the facsimile appears to constitute the precise thing they blood-swore to never, ever give. Notice. Maybe they just meant no additional honk at the end of the driveway. I also love how we’re at a technological point where hearing that something was faxed sounds to our ear like an admission to cobbling one’s own shoes. Or smoking a corn pipe.
In the past, the ipoetlaureate has been privy to additional details about the “unprecedented peculiar means and methods of our own style.” I previously took the liberty of making an English translation of the North Korean threats reduced to music and which also reprises arguably the most famous rap line I’ve ever written (@ 1:40).
I have posted the blong again below in light of yesterday’s additional threats. Here’s to a LOT more pen-pallory between these great giants of discourse in the new year.
Words ostensibly by Kim Jung Un’s personal copywrite. Translation and performance by the ipoetlaureate. Music produced by djclutch.
Today’s song blog here:The Unprecedented Peculiar Means and Methods of Our Own Style
I was pretty sure this had already been resolved 25 years ago. Santa is plainly black:
But, apparently it’s an issue of some continuing debate. An African American high school student was told by his teacher that he couldn’t be Santa because he was black (and Santa is not, I guess). The boy was “embarrassed” and allegedly wants “nothing to do with Christmas” anymore. It seems the incident grew out of an in-class discussion concerning recent remarks made by a news anchor — who was reacting to an editorial challenging the Chief Elf’s ethnicity — insisting Santa was white.
Quick frolic. I’m calling a little shinannigans on this story. This 14 year-old wants nothing to do with Christmas anymore because some jack-leg teacher told him he couldn’t dress up like Santa Claus? Really? I’m not sure this story is accurately reflecting either the priorities or sensitivities of high school age youth. Plus, I have a PS4 here that says he still might want something to do with yule tide cheer.
Most people I’ve talked to agree that a child (or high schooler) is entitled to think Santa is black. But, they usually think so for a bunch of really wrong reasons. In an informal poll of friends, I was given the following answers as to why it’s okay for black children to believe in a black santa:
1. “Everyone’s equal.” True. I think. But wrong.
2. “The president is black.” Verifiably true. Absolutely no justification for believing in a black santa.
3. “Because their dads are black.” Presumptuous, even if true, on average. Actually, a pretty decent answer considering dad’s are Santa.
4. “A black santa would be more athletic.” Racist. But, true.
5. “The commercialization of the Santa Clause was instigated at a time when the marginalizationizing of the African-American community lacked the intrinsic power of self-determination to affect any resistance to the coronation of a colonialist agenda to institutionalize the white man as jolly.” Dig.
6. “Jesus was black.” Well played.
HE’S. NOT. REAL!!!!!!
You can imagine him pigmy. Or made of cheez whiz. Or infatuated with martial arts. It’s make believe. And, all of this historical analysis of the ethnicity of Saint Nicholas is even more entertaining. Santa Claus has about as much to do with St. Nicholas as Tim Allen.
In a related story, a Duck Dynasty cast member is on hiatus because he opined that homosexuality is “illogical.” We live in such a goofy society. Was everyone previously operating under the impression that the Duck Dynasty guys were big into LGBT? I assume everyone will also be stunned to learn they don’t do a lot of yoga?
Caught some lights tonight.
It reminded me that I have never ranked my favorite Christmas records. So here are the 2013 Christmas Album Power Rankings:
1. Nat King Cole – “The Christmas Song” Holiday and vocal perfection.
2. Frank Sinatra – “The Christmas Collection” Sinatra was hip hop before hip hop. “This song of mine in three quarter time.” Only Sinatra and rappers talk about the meter of the song, in the song. Respect.
3. Bebo Norman – “From the Realms of Glory” Rebel Jesus. Enough said.
4. Carpenters – “Christmas Collection” Extremely white. Extremely good. “Logs on the fire fill me with desire.” Indeed they do.
5. Michael Buble – “Christmas” For those sexy Christmas occasions.
6. Peter, Paul and Mary – “A Holiday Celebration” Gets me in the Macabean Revolt spirit every time.
7. Amy Grant – “Home for Christmas” For when you like to chase your cheer with a little depression. I’ve read teenage diaries with less personal angst.
8. Andrew Peterson – “Behold the Lamb of God” A theological masterpiece.
9. Mariah Carey – “Merry Christmas” One word. Range.
10. Jackson 5 – “Christmas Album” Six words. I saw mommy kissing [black] Santa Claus.
11. Listener and Dust – “Just in time for Christmas” Does anything say Christmas quite like “atonal dissonance”?
12. Honorable Mention: Vince Guaraldi, John Denver and the Muppets, and New Edition.
Lastly, I’d like to acknowledge that I see you Christmas Jammies family. The grey hair. The mom-sexy brunette. The adorable children. The suburban ooze. The “rap.” Ok. I see what you’re doing. But, just know, if you bite and beef with the undisputed king of news rap and his family you better be built for the long haul. Welcome to the dad rap Terrordome, Jammies. You get yours at the end of today’s blong. Truthfully, you don’t justify the full treatment.
Let’s just say you better keep those draw strings tight. Nah mean?
Performed by theipoetlaureate. Music produced by Jaq.
Today’s blong here:
The ipoetlaureate taking his kids on the high side, Apolo Ohno style.
Performed by ipoet. Music produced by djclutch.
Today’s song blog here:Tree Trim
Santa Claus is coming, son.
Performed by ipoetlaureate. Music produced by Dave Santos.
Today’s blong here:Christmas Lights
I hate Las Vegas.
They beat us by exactly 31?! Unbelievable.
For those that don’t remember or didn’t know or who still don’t care, my Furman University Paladins played two-time defending National Champions, North Dakota State Bison, in the second round of the Division I FCS football playoffs last night. They lost 38-7. I had incited an infinitesimal but virulent segment of the Bison fan base with this song.
NDSU responses were of three predictable varieties:
1. “It’s pronounced BIZON.” Without the pronunciation cues, I’m still not sure if they mean Bizon, as in rhymes with risin’ or Bizon, as in “Get your prize on.” Regardless, noted.
2. “Bizon are already on ice.” In the chorus to the song, I was not attempting to express a literal aspiration about the physical location of Bison. But, again, got it.
3. And, indecipherable.
In all, Bison fans were good sports about it, except on the rare occasion when I was invited to peruse the hairy underside of said school’s mascot. (I’m not sure if they meant the actual costumed mascot or the real animal version of said mascot.)
Couple things about the game, first.
1. Congrats to a deserving team in North Dakota State;
2. The final score says different, but two very questionable calls against Furman on consecutive attempts to score in the first half greatly affected momentum in the game. The Paladins weather the quick touchdown drives by NDSU, early in the second half, a lot differently with 14 on the board instead of 7; and
3. Their head coach was so impressed with the win that he apparently is taking the head coaching job at Wyoming. Which is super insulting because Wyoming football is the exact same thing as NDSU except worse and with more chaps and lariats.
So why would I continue to expend an embarrassing quantity of time taunting an entire state, after my team got housed and the Bison faithful have moved on? I’m sure even Furman fans are cringing at the thought.
Well, first, I need to just close the loop. I ran my mouth. Ate my words. I can’t just disappear on the subject like I wasn’t jawing.
Second, it’s the best thing that’s ever happened to this site with the exception of automated bot comments.
And, third, there is something that needs to be said about FCS football, implicated here. I alluded to it in my original post. And, I know my audience can’t get enough editorializing on second-rate football.
Quick primer. Historically, the biggest colleges in the country played football at the NCAA Division I level. Oregon. Notre Dame. Alabama. Michigan. Florida State. Ohio State. University of Phoenix Online. (I believe that’s where Larry Fitzgerald played his college ball.)
Below that was a Division I-AA. Furman. Georgia Southern. Richmond. William & Mary. JMU. Montana.
Below the Division I levels were Divisions II and III and something called an NAIA. Apparently, the College of Charleston is very proud of all the basketball national championships it won at the NAIA level, against basketball teams taken from 6 small colleges, two group homes, and a chess club.
Just recently, a semantic slight of hand attempted to conjoin Division I and Division I-AA into a single Division I with two subdivisions: The Football Bowl Subdivision (FBS) and The Football Championship Subdivision (FCS). See how that’s different than just Division I and Division I-AA? Obviously.
Anyway, like the FBS, the FCS has private and public colleges. But, some of those public colleges are the biggest educational institutions of their respective states. Delaware. Maine. Montana. Montana State. North Dakota State. Institutions where either (1) the name of the college is a State or (2) is the name of a State plus the word “State” or “Tech.” Think Michigan and Michigan State. Or Georgia and Georgia Tech. Or Devry and Devry Institute. Granted most of these FCS institutions were located in less populated states but these are still the flagship schools of a card-carrying member of our great Union.
For a long, long time, nobody cared about Division I-AA/FCS football. But, then it became increasingly clear that television exposure and the opportunity to upset a major FBS school could raise a school’s admissions and money profile through FCS football success similar to a good run in March Madness.
And, when people started caring, the publicly funded institutions were well-suited to capitalize.
North Dakota State University is one such example. But, it applies equally to the Delaware’s and Montana’s of the world as well.
Which is all fine. But, this advantage that comes with size and the support of either half or nearly all of a state’s population and coffers, should temper their pride in success against less comparably postured institutions. It inflames it.
It seems to me that a major state institution has two options. Either (1) qualify your arrogance over winning multiple National Championships by beating private schools an eighth your size or (2) move up to FBS with all the other state schools.
Like, I don’t know, Wyoming?
Congrats, Cowboys. Err . . . Bizon. I suppose they’re both winners today.
How’s that for magnanimity? Go Chanticleers.
Performed by theipoetlaureate. Music produced by Fab da Eclectic.
Today’s blong here. Updated and final version of the original with new third verse:
DISCLAIMER: The opinions expressed herein do not reflect the views of Furman University or even its football team. They are exclusively the ramblings of a too compulsive fan acting entirely alone. As in, without any friends to speak of.
Truthfully, I’ve read maybe 250 pages of Long Walk to Freedom’s 750 or so. But, between the movie Invictus and this meat pie I had once, I’m pretty sure I can fill in the gaps. Plus my brother-in-law is a South African ex-pat and so that makes me almost native by the commutative property of brother-in-laws.
I have one take on Mandela, and I’ve made it to others many times before.
I am unaware of any other human in all of history who was oppressed so absolutely and then was given so absolutely the power to invert that oppression on millions of lives in justifiable retribution and yet declined. Not Ghandi or Dr. King or Mother Theresa. All of these individuals, righteous and consistent in their pacisifism, never actually gloved the reigns to violent power that must have tempted Mandela. They were always subject to power, maybe power they declined, but power they never possessed in the way he did. He was the undisputed psychological Monarch of South Africa upon his election. Had he chosen to change the country’s language to Mongolian Chinese and require men to birth the nation’s children he would have had widespread support.
Call it strategic or contrived, he elected, in the face of significant opposition from his own and victimized people, to largely integrate and accommodate. If you notice, throughout much of the rest of the developing world, when abused society obtains power they return the abuse.
The only parallel is in the lives of famous religious figures, like Christ. They are disqualified from this conversation insofar as they profess either actual divinity or divine authority or x-ray vision. As far as we can tell, Mandela was not any kind of incarnation or supernatural peeping tom.
Just a man who chose to do right in the face of so much opportunity to do wrong.
Maybe the greatest human that ever lived. Seriously.
Performed by theipoetlaureate. Music produced by Dave Santos.
Today’s blong here: