01/21/13

The Truth About Te’o

People have suggested that Manti Te’o must either be the perpetrator of a disgusting hoax or supremely dumb.

Numerous pundits, including the likes of Stephen A. Smith and Colin Cowherd, have said that it’s inconceivable that a red-blooded, alpha male, Division I athlete could ever carry on a serious relationship almost exclusively online or by telephone. That you would never profess “love” for a woman you never did, or could have, touched.

But, there is a third possibility.

It hit me while watching the same interview, from early last fall, that the networks run to expose him. And, I understand how it might have been easy to miss because he’s tough and has a tattoo of a Mayan hockey rink on his bicep and plays like a wild barbarian. But, I recognized it immediately in the innocent way he described his affection for her.

See, Te’o is Mormon. And, it’s already been suggested in delicate ways that he might have been less than socially or relationally sophisticated. But, children of devout Mormon and extreme evangelical families can develop a deep psychological inhibition to sexual activity even as they’re subject to the same natural impulses as their peers. It’s not necessarily naivete but a kind of personal reticence. I recognize it in Te’o, as unlikely as his popularity and image might suggest.

Importantly, this is different than being gullible or just dumb. Such inhibition would allow a kid like Te’o to be comfortable with a long distance relationship over a period of time where others would demand more. It would actually relieve that angst for him. At the same time, it would make him more susceptible to catfishing because he would not insist, as quickly, on the same physical evidence, so to speak, that in-person interaction would provide and that essentially every person with a chin-strap and testicles would require.

And precisely for this awkwardness, he certainly might have been unduly energized by any media attention that took this otherwise stunted relationship seriously. So, you get what appears to be an exaggerated expression of love when in truth it’s probably about as serious as he’s had.

I, obviously, don’t know — about his personal religious conviction or virginity or dating history. For all I know, he might be a Don Juan.

But, I see and suspect something I personally recognize. It’s a real phenomenon whether Te’o fits the diagnosis or not.

I guess you could say that I know the feeling.

UPDATE: TheRapUp.net has picked up on my song today.

Manti Te'o, Jeremy Schaap

Performed by ipoetlaureate. Music produced by juiceboxjackson.

Today’s blong here:

Catfisher of Men

01/19/13

Livedstrong

Watched all of part one. DVRed part deux. I have a lot of thoughts, most of which are in defense of Armstrong, and offensive, according to my wife. He strikes me as really despicable. I felt that way when he left his first wife. But, he has borne the full brunt of what is presently an intolerably toxic and corrupt culture of sport and doping in cycling. Human engineering is an inevitability, folks. I just wonder if in 100 years they are going to look back on us and laugh at our attempts to trip up an elephant herd.

One interesting note from the interview. Armstrong seemed to imply the effect George Hincapie’s participation, in the investigation against him, had. The only rider with Lance on all 7 tours and a dear friend. He also happens to be a neighbor of mine. As in he lives in Greenville, owns a bike shop here, and his parents lived in our previous neighborhood. Tall, sexy dude. Imagine Jude Law showing up at your Fall Festival with aviators and skinny jeans ready to buy a caramel apple and do the cake walk. Him and his comparably attractive wife were making small talk near the “jumpy house” with some of the other and unfamous parents, who were all dressed predictably in Dockers. I just had visions of one of my kids giving a swift knee to the groin on their descent down the inflatable iceberg slide.

lance-armstrong-george-hincapie

I’ve retread this blong a few times. Not sure the recent developments warrant an update. We’ll see.

Performed by ipoetlaureate. Music produced by djclutch.

Today’s song blog here:

Livestrong

01/16/13

It Only Takes One

The President’s gun violence plan seems pretty reasonable. It doesn’t strike me as executive power too far. Without boring you the history, executive orders are constitutional, especially where they are made within the context of some explicit or implicit congressional authorization, see Dames & Moore v. Regan. Here, the President has tweaked the efficacy of certain already existing gun controls, especially as they relate to sharing applicant and background check information. While the plan makes an appeal to Congress concerning a ban on assault rifles, the orders themselves do not purport to accomplish any such thing. The plan provides for some additional gun violence research, and it appeals to more responsible gun ownership. It also appropriately emphasizes the role of mental health in this discussion focused mostly on weapons. But, precisely because this set of executive orders seems largely uncontroversial they are at the same time probably more gesture than change. And, that’s okay.

Of course, the NRA would, in a brand new ad, call the President a hypocrite because his daughters’ private school enjoys the security of armed guards.

I doubt they’ll recant even as his plan provides for:

School resource officers [who] are specially trained police officers that work in schools. When equipped with proper training and supported by evidence-based school discipline policies, they can deter crime with their presence and advance community policing objectives.

It would make too much sense for the two sides of this conversation, equally vested in growing the rate of non-deaths and un-kills, to see common ground where they are standing on it.

People would point to other first-world successes in violence free society. Europe, Canada, that awesome jungle moon in Avatar.

But, America’s just different. We have a deep gun identity.

We conquered with a gun.

We were colonially liberated with a gun.

Our union endured by the gun.

Cowboys.

Annie Oakley.

John Wayne.

Rambo.

Gangsters.

Gang bangers.

Yosemite Sam.

Separating us from our guns is more than an exchange of rationale arguments no matter how rationale they may be. It will take a weening not a divesting.

In today’s blong, I would simply add song to my prior point that the collusion of a gun-free society means we will always be susceptible to the threat of just one. But, I think I would rather live with that risk in mind than a kind of Home Room Saloon.

Performed by ipoetlaureate. Music produced by Dave Santos.

Today’s blong here:

High Noon

01/8/13

Red Ryder Air Rifle

James Holmes has appeared for his preliminary hearing yesterday and today regarding charges that stem from alleged involvement in the Colorado shooting at a showing of The Dark Knight Rises.

These kinds of gun atrocities have not, and have largely never been, committed by the typically vilified criminal element of our inner city gangs or drug communities. They are committed almost exclusively by white, middle and lower-middle class, student-aged young people, suffering some mental illness.

So putting more guns nearer to this demographic, to wit, guns in schools or carried by teachers, exacerbates, not cures, the risk. At the same time, it also makes gun regulation less effective since so many times possession, in these circumstances, is secondarily or tertiarily obtained. Because of my strong constitutional, rather than personal, view on gun possession, I have been hesitant regarding gun control. And, notwithstanding the horror, they are, as a statistical matter, improbable, and represent, all other things together, less violence than society has historically borne. But precisely for the relative violence free lives we live, these sort of concentrated incidents of massacre are all the more impossible for our increasingly non-violent expectations/psyche to handle. And, because the safety we enjoy is at least in part the product of collusion — our collective agreement to obey the rule of law — the better we “collude” the more easy and effective is any one individual’s ability to break from that agreement and open fire on a group of people unarmed and psychologically unexpectant. This is a gun access problem. We can either try to make them less scarce or go wild west. There isn’t a happy medium.

A last constitutional note. Just because I’ve read the Federalist Papers too many times, I still respect the theoretical idea, upon which our own Declaration of Independence is grounded, that a government can make itself so illegitimate as to implicate its citizenry’s right to take up arms against it. It’s happening in Syria right now. And, of course, it is impossible to exercise such a right against an illegitimate sovereign if you yourself have been, as a matter of that same sovereign’s rule, disallowed weapon possession. This is why the Second Amendment exists. But, we are at a point, notwithstanding all manner of action packed one-man-army cinema, that even heavy assault rifles in the hands of citizens will be of only a minor annoyance to a government that can turn back in on itself the most sophisticated missile based and tactically trained military in the world. I’m not sure, therefore, that the Declaration’s notion in this regard can endure as a modern day justification for private gun possession as so many would cry. If our government has the will and political capital to beat us up, there aren’t enough assault rifles in West Virginia and my home state, South Carolina, to even put an eye out.

james holmes

Today’s blong is a retread from the original.

Performed by ipoetlaureate. Music produced by pumpkinFoot.

Today’s blong here:

Dark Night

01/6/13

The Hangover

Sincere thanks to NMX and staff for a great day and for the opportunity to present concerning song blogging and the unique community that participates here. I was part of a three-person panel presentation. It was a personal thrill even as our session was likely the first in history to quote Messianic Judaism, Bob the Builder, and Jay-Z for emphasis. I would say that it was eccentric but mostly just crazy.

For my wife’s sake, I invited the crowd to confirm my physical presence at the conference. I think she believes I’m just here for Celine Dione and the Osmonds. And while most husbands, alone in Las Vegas for three days, might be tempted to slip off for some of Donny’s fancy footwork or Celine’s ethereal tones, this Promisekeeper stood strong. But, trust me, not without some serious exercise of resolve. My Heart Will Go On in that Canadian drawl? Simply irresistible.

And, while the video certainly corroborates my whereabouts at the presentation, it’s between me and the seductive streets of Las Vegas as to whether I later resisted the wacky, red-headed siren call of Scott “Carrot Top” Thompson.

Stays in Vegas, baby.

nmx shot

01/4/13

iPredict 2013

Apparently nothing is going to actually happen in 2013. For my annual predictions blong, I spared no traditional fortune telling method to learn the truth about the upcoming year. Scrying. Time travel. Palmistry. The coin flip. I shook the eightball. Adjusted the tinfoil hat (is that a thing?). Tuned the forks. Put dice in the mirror. Ate a bowl of lucky charms. Consulted the foreseeing abilities of small woodland animals. Spent the night at Stone Henge. Participated in the running of the bulls. Went to the Final Four in New Orleans (actually that was just to see the games). Nothing. I could only come up with like 3 or 4 real things to even make a guess about.

By the end, I was down to predicting the winner of the World Baseball Classic. Exactly. You don’t even know what that is.

No elections, like last year. Or terrorists at large, the year before. (And, yes, for new readers, I correctly foretold the assassination of Osama bin Laden in 2010. Not to mention snake bites somewhere in the world and an earthquake, again, somewhere in the known world.) While I’ve protectively guessed about natural disasters in the past to ensure at least a percentage threshold level of divining success, this year I was literally predicting the most basic elements of weather. Snow. Wind. That fire would be bright again this year.

Anyway, some things are for sure going to happen. I can guarantee you that.

As a humble aside, my iPredict 2012 delivered impressively again this year. Heat in 5 games (second year in a row predicting the NBA Finals winner down to the precise number of games). That the world would not end. (Eat it Mayans! Don’t trade arithmancy blows with the Master!) Within 4 of the number of total medals the U.S. would win at the Summer Games (Actual: 46 29 29 Predicted: 42 21 37). The growth of crops on farms. President Obama’s reelection. AND, that Manny Pacquiáo would get knocked out in the SIXTH round (it’s really a minor detail that I had Floyd Mayweather doing the out-knocking and not Juan Manuel Marquez). And, it’s unnecessary to revisit the relatively small and insignificant handful of near misses I had.

As always, I would make a DISCLAIMER: The ipoetlaureate does not condone or otherwise advocate the recreational use of divination, fortune telling, hokus pokus, or mumbo jumbo.

It is, however, my birthday on Monday and I will be in Las Vegas at the New Media Expo conference, where I will have presented on song blogging just the day before (January 6, 2013, 1:45 pm in Rio #4).

NMX logo

This might justify some light wagering. I was initially bummed to be away from my family on that day but then I remembered that I would be able to legally bet the NCAA National Championship game between Alabama and Notre Dame and watch it on a television the size of a KIA Sportage. Guilt assuaged.

With regards to today’s blong, I liked the thought that palm reading, or chiromancy, would confirm that the “future” is indeed in our hands, so to speak. We can either be a country and community willing to extend a helping, or losing-grip, one.

I know what I saw.

2013.

Performed by the ipoetlaureate. Music produced Dave Santos.

Today’s blong here:

Eightballin' 2013 (Feeling Along)

12/31/12

2012 Year in Review & The 1st Annual “Press Junkies” Blong Awards

So, as it turns out, there is no award show or other public recognition for great Blong (blog + song) performances each year. I know. I was surprised too. I assumed, of course, that I would certainly be under some serious consideration if there were. Imagine my disappointment. I’ve given it some thought, though, and I think there are a couple of reasonable justifications:

1. No one knows what a blong is. Doubtful, but an interesting theory.

2. I’m the only person in the world that blongs. Likely, but no reason not to recognize and trophy me.

3. People think blonging is stupid. Doubtful, because it’s plainly not.

4. People think blongs are illegal. Likely, because they are in four state jurisdictions. Plus, they seem suspicious. Like a Zima.

5. People are jealous of blongs. Likely. I am handsome and smart . . . err, they are.

6. “Blong” is a racial slur in Portugese. Unfortunately, this is actually true. It’s roughly translated “white devil” or “rowdy Asian” depending on the syntax.

7. Blongs created the financial cliff. Not true. They will, however, navigate it in a rubber intertube and refuse to share food stores. “You greedy son of gun, you, you blong!”

8. Blongs carry rabies. Not true. Glaucoma.

9. Blongs can put an eye out. True, but that’s why they should only be enjoyed with protective eye gear or a riot shield and under parental supervision.

10. Blongs hate dolphins. Come on. That’s just ridiculous.

11. Blongs hate porpoises. True.

12. Blongs do illicit drugs. Not since 10th grade and nothing heavier than the “Great White Steed.”

But, whatever the real reason, no organization or site has taken up the important task of recognizing greatness in the storied art of blonging. Consider the oversight rectified.

It is my privilege, therefore, to announce the 1st Annual Press Junkies, awarded for exceptional contributions in blonging and blong related enterprise. To avoid any conflicts of interest, the selection committee was chosen from the Blonging Academy, a distinguished and independent group of one individual with many years’ experience in blonging and blong adjudicating. The committee was tasked with reviewing every blong in the entire interwebs and known physical universe. He, errr, the committee evaluated all such blongs for content, accuracy, musical composition, steroid and PED usage, word choice, pain tolerance, viscosity, relevance, cadmium levels, awesomnivitimousness, punctuation, humidity, fast-twitch muscle fibers, cholera, concealed weapons, x-ray vision, durability, senility, vertical jump, ability to tolerate extreme temperatures, and invisibility.

And, the winners are:

1. Best Blong involving both Dick Clark and a Hologram of a Deceased Gangster Rapper

This category boasted an especially strong field of nominees. Including, “Dick and Pac” and, the imminently singable, “White People Watch American Bandstand, Black People Watch Soul Train.” But, the Press Junkie goes to . . .

Hologram Bandstand by the ipoetlaureate of The Press Junket

Really, really, really witty title. Dope beat. Holograms. A well-timed reference to a “funky phantasm.” Simply one of the best songs ever done about Dick Clark and a holographically projected Tupac Shakur. And, that’s saying something. There have been some classic ones.

2. Best Blong involving the Consumption of Human Flesh

A new category this year. Blongs about cannibalism and anthropophagy are certainly on the rise and the Academy wanted to recognize this growing field. This year’s winner set itself apart, however, by also cleverly incorporating romance with a zombie wife, a particularly poignant touch. I think we all would agree that there is almost nothing more touching than a bloody smile of teeth-shredded human flesh but this one was particularly moving:

Walking Dead by the ipoetlaureate of The Press Junket

3. Best Blong Involving Chaps and a Horse Whinny

You had me at African-American polo players:

A King’s Sport by the ipoetlaureate of The Press Junket

4. Best Economics Blong

A few strong nominees for this category: The Capitol Gains, Atlas Shrugged, Boxscore.

But, I mention the rapper Lil’ Scrappy in The Capitol Gains and repeatedly confuse the Buffett Rule with a Shoney’s All-You-Can-Eat breakfast bar, so it takes the Junkie by a hair. (Also by the ipoetlaureate of The Press Junket.)

5. Best Presidential Campaign Blong

Seeing how it was an election year, there were many entries to consider for this category. Blongers in every poly-stringed corner of the multi-verse chronicled the epic electoral contest between President Obama and the Republican nominee, Mitt Romney. If there was one campaigning rap song this year, there must have been 1000. Maybe the most heavily blonged election in human history.

These few, however, stood out, in particular: The folksy tale of the Iowa Caucuses, Show of Hands; the fast-paced and breathless, Pitch Perfect; and the derision of Brendon Frazier and human cruelty, in Haircut.

But, the Junkie goes to the artsy, coffee shop ballad, Adults in the Room by the ipoetlaureate of The Press Junket. The Academy is committed to making sure that at least one blong that all “regular people” hate wins a Junkie each year. Congratulations to Adults in the Room.

6. Best Blong about Edible Transportation

Easy AND delicious:

One Gear by the ipoetlaureate of The Press Junket

7. Best Pro-Blood-Doping Blong or Blong otherwise about a Bicycle

This category came down to a song about curing hunger and the prior winner for Best Blong about Edible Transportation, One Gear, and Livestrong, a plea to inject the blood of protein rich animals into your veins.

As the former is philanthropic and the latter is a call to base and selfish cheating, I think it’s pretty clear who the winner is:

Livestrong by the ipoetlaureate of The Press Junket.

8. Best Sports Blong

Although the blongosphere covers a lot of real sport in blong every year, this year’s Sports Blong Junkie recipient goes to a blong about not-real sports. Namely, the Great American Pastime of conducting an online fantasy football draft. It wins for its duel threat of not-real sport trash talking and shameless self-promotion as the anthem for ESPN’s Fantasy Football Focus podcast show (which did not in fact make said blong the anthem for its show!).

Autodraft Beef by the ipoetlaureate of The Press Junket

Autodraft Beef narrowly beat out the fan favorite, Grace to Fail, a moving tribute to asians playing basketball. They’re so cute how they intellectually dribble and shoot like a karate punch. No song has been quite so important to sport since Eddie Rabbit’s convicting ballad about the secret world of dyslexia in indoor lacrosse, Read ‘em and Weep.

9. Blong Music Producer of the Year

This year’s nominees include pumpkinFoot, djclutch, Sundance, and Dave Santos. There were numerous other contributors but these four individuals’ musical work repeatedly rose to the top when I needed it the most. This category is not about volume or usage but about impact.

For his work on Surf and Turf, Walking Dead, The Madness, One Gear, Hunger Games, Born Sooner, Adults in the Room, Hologram Bandstand and notable others, the winner is:

djclutch. Respect.

10. Blonger of the Year

Blonger of the Year was maybe the most competitive category. It came down to me, my wife’s husband, the operator of my 3 Twitter accounts, one of my 14 rap aliases, my neighbor’s neighbor to the right, and me. All deserving nominees, of course. These individuals have worked tirelessly to provide us with some of the most important and groundbreaking blongs of the year. Me has been especially prolific but me should not be forgotten for his particularly elaborate body of work. Unfortunately, however, only one me can win.

This year’s Blonger of the Year recipient is a remarkable individual. He has won every possible Press Junkie category. He loves all of humanity exactly the same amount. He once nursed a baby meerkat back to life. And, he recently opened a not-for-profit, 24-hour Wendy’s Famous Hamburgers. He eats only naturally occurring, non-HMO grasses and paleolithic era protein bars and gels. His core temperature is love. He once recited the Preamble to the U.S. Constitution to school children in its native translation, Canadian.

And, this year’s Press Junkie Blonger of the Year is:

The ipoetlaureate!!! [Looks around frantically at the crowd and then hugs aforementioned wife. Covers mouth and shakes his head disbelievingly as he races to the front. Other me(s) congratulate me with a slap on the back as I pass by. Thanks God for making him the best blonger in the history of the world, thanks his wife and kids, and toasts the late Dave, father of Wendy and posthumous franchisor.]

11. Blong of the Year

The Academy’s selection committee was able to whittle down the list of potential Blong of the Year nominees to a manageable and competitive 78 (all of which can be yours today for the affordable retail of just $15).

But, one epitomized most perfectly the ethos of blonging: interesting and timely story, a clever take, stirring song, and jellyfish. At it’s core song blogging is about capturing disparate moments and making them common. And, sometimes the stars align to bring together multiple stories in a news cycle that make the same point, in the same poetic way. In a roughly 48-hour period this year, women were admitted to Augusta National and a 60+ year-old Diana Nyad made a fourth attempt to swim from Cuba to the coast of Florida. Both stories celebrated the strength of the human spirit and, particularly, the feminine resolve. One on land and one in the water. And, from those accounts came a song about the deadliest jellyfish in the world and the lowest glass ceiling, a tin cup:

Surf and Turf

This concludes the presentation of the 1st Annual Press Junkies. Next year, I promise a big name host, like Kid Rock or Kevin Bacon or Honey Boo Boo. Someone with real comedic edge and hosting chops. Maybe even like Madonna or Sinbad. We’ll see.

But, don’t click away. I still owe you a year-in-review blong.

So, among many choices, one of the most iconic images of the year was of Felix Baumgartner, moon-booted toes to the edge, moments before his suborbital jump.

space jump

He is quoted to have said, “I’m coming home.”

It’s a great juxtaposition. A radical trip to the edge of the sky, only to jump back home faster than the speed of sound. This and every year should be about such an outrageous leap of faith. But, one that rockets and propels us back to the beauty and relation and comfort and joys of our home and family and belief.

But, in flying we are always coming over something. A cliff or a cloud or a reputation or a tragedy. Another year over. We’ve got to get over.

We’ve got to get over to fly.

God Bless and Happy New Year.

Performed by ipoetlaureate. Music produced by Dave Santos.

Today’s blong here:

Fallin' 2012

12/28/12

Yeah, We Got One

snow day

A snow day.

Don’t forget to buy Year Two. 78 songs. $15.

Year end material soon. Still on news rap holiday.

Performed by ipoet (d/b/a sintax.the.terrific).  Music produced by re:flex the architect.

Today’s blong here:

Snow Day

12/26/12

Castle on a Cloud

Les Miserables.

See it.

Now.

I’m proud of the work I do here. I think I’ll be able to look my kids in they eye 20 years from now, for it.

But, sometimes there is a kind of art that stirs so deeply as to be unbearable.

The newly released cinematic version of the beloved and timeless musical is of this kind.

Today’s song is a retread concerning this year’s French presidential elections and my son’s first time to see the theatrical version. Don’t listen to it. Just go see the movie.

Seasons greetings. Still on news rap holiday.

Today’s blong here:

Le Pen-dulum Swings