I love it. I had a boss shortly out of college that murdered me over a concert advertisement that was placed (by me) but failed to run in the Atlanta Journal Constitution. After literally screaming at me over the phone, it was readily determined that the mistake was on the Constitution’s end, exclusively. He didn’t even ask me about it or call the paper before assuming blame.

I’ve never understood hip shooting. It’s almost universally in error. There are two sides to every story. Sometimes a dozen. We live in such a preposterously reductionist society. We need quick and minimalist answers. We do it in politics and sport and relationships. ESPN’s recent, “Catching Hell,” regarding scapegoatism in sport touches the point nicely, albeit in a much less serious forum than international diplomacy and nuclear annihilation.

The allegations concerning the supposed bomb plot by Mannsor Arbabsiar, at the direct commissioning of the Iranian government, to kill the Saudi Arabian diplomat to the United States (here in the United States) are wickedly serious. If true, they rightly constitute an act of war. Wars have been instigated for less and for almost precisely the same (see World War I).

But, the details of the plot are pretty spectacular. Arbabsiar, affectionately known as “Jack” in the small Texas town where he resided, is by all accounts a disorganized, forgetful, pal-around, apolitical, former used car and kabob vendor, without a principled or ideological bone in his ostensibly terrorist body. Better yet, the Iranian’s apparently laundered their plot to Arbabsiar by way of a Mexican drug cartel.

Hahaha. The Iranian Ambassador called it a Hollywood script.

Other possibilities include (I’ll let you attempt to distinguish the real alternatives from the jokes):

1. Commissioner Stern contracted the hit to distract from the NBA lockout. Oh, wait, no one cared anything about that.
2. That the prosecution’s chief witness is a lying and paid confidential informant, who has whole-hammock made up the story about Arbabsiar for his own personal gain in the context of a deal struck with the government regarding an unrelated narcotics case.
3. This is another one of Jay Mohr’s humorless television shows (seriously, how is he still in TV?)
4. Some rogue element of Iran’s Quds Force or other lowel-level operation initiated the plot without knowledge of Iran’s Supreme Leader or President.
5. John Belushi is not dead (have you seen the mugshot?)
6. Iran did it with the Mexican Cartel and a monkey wrench in the library.

I read today that, in the 80s, the New Republic coined “a lovely neologism” to describe Ronald Reagan’s attempt to trade arms for hostages: Iranamok. I thought it sort of sounded like what our brains do during periods of national crises.

In life and in this case, sometimes it’s important to slow your roll and admit that as of yet you don’t know Jack.

Performed by ipoet. Music produced by Jaq, of course.

You don't know Jack

Please also check out my homeboy manCHILD’s and Jaq’s collaboration by a similar name, “You Don’t Know Jaq.”

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