In the Conservatory with the Wrench

Look. Our house is a mess. I think I saw my kids using full stalks of celery to spoon peanut butter from the same tupperware our cats use. In the bathroom. The crunchy. I’m just saying. I’ve worn an oven mitt to do yard work. And, to groom the aforementioned feline. And, to bake Tollhouse. Honest: I’m staring right now at a diet Mountain Dew can on top of a silver-sequined dress on top of a Fed Ex overnight box on top of a lampshade on top of a wicker bowl on top of a pile of laundry. It’s like squaller Jenga.

Our finances are about the same. We run roughly 13 small business and a cash-for-gold scam out of our home. I couldn’t balance a checkbook on J. Lo’s backside.

All this to say, when JP Morgan admitted recently that it lost 2 billion dollars, I was like, “Hey, guys, I get it.” You put it down. You’re grabbing the keys. The kids are screaming. Your late for ballet. The baby has a poop diaper. Your wife is nagging (I mean, I’ve heard that that sort of thing can happen to some husbands.) You drive off, and the 2 billion cold ones slide from the hood of the Honda Odyssey onto the lawn where your neighbor’s yard stuber accidentally mulches it into a confetti pile with the riding lawn mower.

It happens. I personally make it a rule not to throw stones at a JP Morgan when you live in a glass JP Morgan Chase financed house. Nah mean?



Oh, that’s messed up, man. You guys are seriously effed.

That’s more than the GDP of like 37 countries. Although, only twice the amount Jerry Jones spent on the Cowboys God forsaken football stadium. But, still.

No, seriously. What are you going to do? I lost $83 and a Frankie’s Funpark Rewards Card once and I thought my wife was going to kill me.

How are you going to explain this to your shareholders? The SEC? Congress?

Huh? What? You already did? Today? And, it took under 50 minutes to meet with your shareholders? And, you just said, “We lost it. Super sorry”? I’ve given a longer apology for a flatulent.

Anybody still think that the modern economy can be managed by the bodiless, invisible hand of Adam Smith anymore? It wasn’t really his hand. Just his metaphor.

The quality of both capitalism and democracy is determined principally by one thing: information. If people have it, they can make informed decisions with their dollars and votes and hold business and politics to account. If they don’t, they get hosed. And, ironically, we live in an age of unprecedented access to information. The internet, smart phones, Wikipedia, Tosh.O, Andy Cohen’s Watch What Happens Live. But, that’s the problem. Having ALL the information in the world available actually makes none of it available.

And, so we don’t know what JP Morgan is doing. They don’t know what JP Morgan is doing. Apparently, the $2 Billion dollar loss was the unforseen product of another exotic derivative gone wild. Another topless algorithm shaking it for the camera. JP Morgan was apparently trying to manage their non-client fund assets but may have run afoul of something called the Volker rule. Or maybe it’s the Vulcan rule.

Live long and prosper.

I did some new math in the blong today. All the numbers check out. The 2 bills is definitely gone.

Performed by ipoet. Music produced by dj clutch.

Today’s song blog here:


2 thoughts on “In the Conservatory with the Wrench

  1. This one had me laughing. Huge verbose, from deep in the chest, laughter. Brilliant in its poking fun at the audacity of the story while also being, in some ways, very very honest about the fact this can happen and certain individuals don’t blink an eye…or maybe don’t seem too.

    I’ve lost money. I’ve miscalculated what was in certain accounts. But THIS is an amazing feat. Its funny how it can happen and go unnoticed for awhile. I mean, did the cash vanish all a sudden, ALL at one time? Its interesting. Big business, big sums. I don’t think this should happen, something like when your wallet is suddenly missing a fiver, at levels like THIS.

    But…then again…

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