I’m eating a sweet potato with brown sugar and cinnamon while trying to live blog the DNC. I don’t know which is stickier sweet.
I started my legal practice in Charlotte, NC, where the convention is being held. Cool city. Well designed. Glamourless, though. Except for the Bobcats, of course. Those guys are all hollywood. Sometimes they’ll wear those lensless glasses and pretend they’re a real NBA team, like the Thunder. I even saw them dunk in a game once. Like Brittany Griner.
I’ve noticed a couple important details about the convention. And, since there is essentially no chance that any respectable person is actually watching, I’ll do some light play by play.
First, no one is paying any attention to these deals. There are more people in the aisles than at Death Valley, Clemson, SC, in the last 3 minutes of a game against my South Carolina Gamecocks. Heading for the doors, baby.
I’ve been to a LOT of events like this. In fact, probably nearly 40% of all rap shows I’ve ever done have been under circumstances where people had better alternatives. I’ve done these “Chili” or “Souper Bowls” where people get together to watch the Super Bowl and eat soup or, you guessed it, piping hot chili. One time, me and my homey were set up to perform in a gymnasium and this jumbotron with the Packers/Patriots game (circa Bledsoe and Favre) was on in like an entirely different wing of the building.
A. Why did you want to throw a rap show during the largest television event in America?
B. Why did you make this already ancillary musical performance physically inaccessible to the roughly 100% of all attendees who there for the game and NOT a rap show?
And, C. Why were you serving fire curdling bowls of molten Minestrone?
The DNC is a room full of people, and I use that term in only its most technical sense, whose passion and profession it is to talk. Not listen. Talk. These are delegates, dignitaries, politicians, celebrities, and apparently like half the teachers in the known multiverse, all in love with their own voices. Rahm Emmanuel is screaming at the top of his lungs and people are milling around like they’re at a State Fair.
Jesse Jackson’s doing an entire stand up routine in his section.
I thought I saw some juggling. And, one of those masseuse kiosks you see in the mall.
An unnaturally tanned Dr. Phil had what appeared to be an entire film crew on location.
The delegation from Florida was playing Bocci Ball.
That was either David Axelrod, a middle aged Uncle Rico, or Jeff Foxworthy. Couldn’t tell for the quick pan.
I thought I saw Bobby Flay’s Throwdown. Best North Carolina Barbecue, vinegar edition.
Second, there were more pants suits at this thing than an episode of Lavern & Shirley.
Third, the Governor of Montana, Brian Schweitzer had on a bolo with an Eagle head on it. He did.
Fourth, Lilly Ledbetter is still demanding equal pay for equal work.
Fifth, someone was holding a sign demanding back her “right to travel to Cuba.” Really?? We’re still in a pretty severe economic crisis. I’m not sure I would be prioritizing our inalienable right to visit Havana right now. Moreover, are you sure that’s a right you really want back? Last I checked, we were housing a maximum security terrorist torture compound there and most of the population of Cuba is trying to exercise their “right to travel” here. Those seem like two pretty big red flags for the whole “travel back to Cuba” movement.
Sixth, the Governor of Arizona is a twin. Terrifying.
Seventh, Rahm Emmanuel did his best Ric Flair on the way to the podium, which is appropriate considering that the Nature Boy has retired to NC. But, the Ramblin’ Ricky Rhodes never really retires. Wooooooooooooooooo!
Eighth and lastly, Craig Robinson, Michelle Obama’s brother and Oregon St. men’s basketball coach, and Bara Maya Soetoro-Ng, President Obama’s sister spoke together. Soetoro-Ng?? There is no way that woman is an American. Vindication for the birthers.
Politics is so weird. Candidates overpromise and yet we still somehow find a way to out-expect even their preposterous pledges. So, Obama clearly could never possibly have delivered what his campaign implied. But, why did anyone think otherwise? I won’t get into who I voted for in 2008 or who I will vote for in 2012, but it’s remarkable how dissatisfied democrats have been. Republicans, of course, wouldn’t have approved of him if he had enrolled at Pat Robertson’s Regent University and taken a semester of independent study in old Appalachia songs. But, democrats are somehow furious relative to their outsized expectations. It’s all relative.
If you are a democrat, though, consider these highlights:
* Affordable Care Act. Albeit highly compromised, healthcare legislation that Democrats and Republicans had promised but failed to deliver for 50 years.
* 787 Billion Recovery and Reinvestment Act
* Dodd-Frank Wall Street Reform
* The end of the war in Iraq
* The notional end of the war in Afghanistan
* Ratification of the START Treaty II. Limits on strategic warheads.
* Repealed Don’t Ask Don’t Tell
* Oversaw the end of Qadhafi regime
* Eliminated OSAMA BIN LADEN
* Went 136-48 on his home White House court
So where were you short-changed exactly? Prosecution of torture war crimes? Too slow on certain policy, like DADT? This is not a rational view of an executive’s performance. Remember, this is a non-legislative office, largely. Policy is massaged not made. The Least Powerful King.
So, good luck reigning in your expectations this fall, republican or democrat. They’ll be doing their best to incite your hopes. By the way, this just in from the DNC steakhouse: Republicans hate women and want to cancel forgiveness. #RedMeat.
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Today’s song blog here:Deliver Me Not