In the St. Nick of time, the entire 78 song anthology from this site’s second year of operation is now officially available for purchase here.
You might be saying to yourself, “Barbara, why would I ever need 78 news rap songs? I own a John Tesh box set already.”
Well, Barbara, I anticipated this riposte — less so the Tesh confession — and am prepared to offer some justifications:
1. Albeit by only a hair, YEAR TWO is still shorter and less self-absorbed than Peter Jackson’s “The Hobbit: An Unexpected Monopolization of Your Entire Evening.”
2. It’s only $15, an amount which, if spread over the entire time it actually took me to write, record, and publish these God-forsaken things, means I was making something like -$4 dollars an hour. And, in this economy, -$4 is nothing to sneeze at. There are a lot of people who would kill to be making negative money as opposed to no money at all.
3. Critically, Rolling Stones magazine has called it, “Something akin to anaphylactic shock. You can’t breath and you must have on your person, at all times while listening to any portion of the 78 songs, an EpiPen. Enjoy.”
4. If you buy it, I will give you a million dollars.
5. [The aforementioned tender of a million dollars does not, in any way, constitute an offer of unilateral contract. The ipoetlaureate would not pay anyone a million dollars in exchange for the $15 download of his new record. He does not possess a million dollars and he purposefully lied in hopes of securing a purchase from you. He remains hopeful that you might still fall for it.]
6. Songs about Jerry Sandusky and Kim Jung Il’s childhood and my wife, as a hypothetical zombie spouse, make for great work out inspiration. Like Chumbawamba’s Tubthumping and Snap’s I’ve Got the Power.
7. You will be able to know the future.
8. You will be immortal.
9. You might also bear a daughter named Renesmee upon whom your werewolf best friend will imprint. This will cause you much heartache but you will forever have the 78 news rap songs you purchased from me.
10. Finally, without your support, I will be forced to spend the large amounts of money I make from my other job, as an attorney, on the many superficial and extravagant Christmas gifts I’ve purchased for myself and my family this year. In other words: its for a really good cause.
So if you can, in good conscience, decline a fake offer of a million dollars, clairvoyance, immortality, and my families subsidized opulence, more power to you. But, that seems sort of selfish and short-sighted of you.
I am really lucky to have support for my work here at this site, in patronage and purse. Your purchase of these records helps me to expand my operations little by little, upgrading equipment or marketing the site. Even at two songs less than last year’s anthology, YEAR TWO seems twice in epic scale. The beats are diverse and fresh. I’m extremely grateful for my team of producers. And, because the whole enterprise is so personal for me, every crevice of the record is filled with memory and depth. Individually, the songs can be taken or left, but as an entire work start to finish, they reflect a year in the course of human events. And, to me, that’s all this was ever about.
Give the gift of rap news this season. They will never thank you later if you do. I promise.
All my regards.