03/18/14

Insider Trading

There is a billion dollars at stake. That’s like 10 or 12 times a million dollars. At least. Let’s just say it’s a LOT. Like graphing calculator type stuff. And, so I have spared no resource in preparing my NCAA March Madness bracket this year. Expert statisticians. Advanced metrics. Historical trends. Time travel. I took 50 jumpers. Wore a tank top.  

And, no matter how improbable it may seem, know that I made these recommendations based on my own research and analysis and prior to this past week’s games. Just check the publication date. Totally ahead of time. Not after I watched all the games or specifically the Monday after all the games. Totally last Tuesday. Errr, I mean today.  I know some of these are pretty dubious but I just have a really good feeling. Almost like I’ve seen them already.

So, I would like to make the following, way-ahead, totally legitimate picks:

Mercer over Duke. I mean nothing crazy here. Pretty popular upset choice.

Harvard over Cincinnati. Sure.

North Dakota State over Oklahoma. Uh huh.

Dayton over Ohio State. Duh.

Then Dayton over Syracuse. Double duh.

Stanford over Kansas. Obviously.

And, of course Tennessee in the Sweet 16. I’m not telling you anything you didn’t already know though.

So, I’m sure none of this will happen. But, if it does, it’s because I’m a total basketball genius.

The ipoetlaureate knows a little thing about banging on the boards:

me and kris rotated updated

Not to be racist but guess who’s not getting the rebound here?

Performed by ipoetlaureate. Music produced by djclutch.

Today’s song blog and annual tradition here:

The Madness

03/17/13

One Shining Moment

It took me most of the evening but I feel pretty confident about my pick:

Savannah College of Art and Design (SCAD) v. The Nashville Predators

SCAD cuts down the nets.

Performed by ipoetlaureate. Music produced by djclutch.

Today’s song blog here:

The Madness

01/4/13

iPredict 2013

Apparently nothing is going to actually happen in 2013. For my annual predictions blong, I spared no traditional fortune telling method to learn the truth about the upcoming year. Scrying. Time travel. Palmistry. The coin flip. I shook the eightball. Adjusted the tinfoil hat (is that a thing?). Tuned the forks. Put dice in the mirror. Ate a bowl of lucky charms. Consulted the foreseeing abilities of small woodland animals. Spent the night at Stone Henge. Participated in the running of the bulls. Went to the Final Four in New Orleans (actually that was just to see the games). Nothing. I could only come up with like 3 or 4 real things to even make a guess about.

By the end, I was down to predicting the winner of the World Baseball Classic. Exactly. You don’t even know what that is.

No elections, like last year. Or terrorists at large, the year before. (And, yes, for new readers, I correctly foretold the assassination of Osama bin Laden in 2010. Not to mention snake bites somewhere in the world and an earthquake, again, somewhere in the known world.) While I’ve protectively guessed about natural disasters in the past to ensure at least a percentage threshold level of divining success, this year I was literally predicting the most basic elements of weather. Snow. Wind. That fire would be bright again this year.

Anyway, some things are for sure going to happen. I can guarantee you that.

As a humble aside, my iPredict 2012 delivered impressively again this year. Heat in 5 games (second year in a row predicting the NBA Finals winner down to the precise number of games). That the world would not end. (Eat it Mayans! Don’t trade arithmancy blows with the Master!) Within 4 of the number of total medals the U.S. would win at the Summer Games (Actual: 46 29 29 Predicted: 42 21 37). The growth of crops on farms. President Obama’s reelection. AND, that Manny Pacquiáo would get knocked out in the SIXTH round (it’s really a minor detail that I had Floyd Mayweather doing the out-knocking and not Juan Manuel Marquez). And, it’s unnecessary to revisit the relatively small and insignificant handful of near misses I had.

As always, I would make a DISCLAIMER: The ipoetlaureate does not condone or otherwise advocate the recreational use of divination, fortune telling, hokus pokus, or mumbo jumbo.

It is, however, my birthday on Monday and I will be in Las Vegas at the New Media Expo conference, where I will have presented on song blogging just the day before (January 6, 2013, 1:45 pm in Rio #4).

NMX logo

This might justify some light wagering. I was initially bummed to be away from my family on that day but then I remembered that I would be able to legally bet the NCAA National Championship game between Alabama and Notre Dame and watch it on a television the size of a KIA Sportage. Guilt assuaged.

With regards to today’s blong, I liked the thought that palm reading, or chiromancy, would confirm that the “future” is indeed in our hands, so to speak. We can either be a country and community willing to extend a helping, or losing-grip, one.

I know what I saw.

2013.

Performed by the ipoetlaureate. Music produced Dave Santos.

Today’s blong here:

Eightballin' 2013 (Feeling Along)

11/6/12

Nail Biter

This is my electoral prediction for tonight. I’m predicting a Romney upset in Ohio and Virginia but that President Obama holds onto Pennsylvania and Colorado, and the White House, barely.

Ohio and Virginia (and PA) are places precisely where voter energy and turnout has been overestimated in Obama’s favor. I do not think that Obama will enjoy the same coalition of voters that made signficiant victories in those and other swing states possible in 2008.

01/5/12

iPredict 2012

Wait for it. Up through the ghoulish blue liquid the tiny icosahedrenal piece begins to settle against the plastic window. Appears to be “Outlook not so good.” Wait, or is that . . . “My sources say no”? With a wishful slight of hand I jostle the ball but can’t improve on “Better not tell you now.” I’ll take it.

Either this coming year is going to be pretty great or my Eightballin’ song is just kicking the can of bad news farther down the road. Like, it just doesn’t have the heart to tell you.

Regardless, it’s sort of hard to improve on some of the greatest soothsaying since Prince John was jilted out of his rings by the fox, Robin Hood, and the bear, Little John. My iPredict 2011 anticipated some of the seminal events in human history: snake bites, tornadoes . . . oh and a little thing called the Dallas Mavericks in 6. And, there was something else . . . hmmmmmm . . . what could it have been? Oh, that’s right the death of Osama bin Laden!

So, this year is sure to be a let down. I was going to predict an alien invasion but I couldn’t see clearly enough as to whether or not they would be hostile. And, I didn’t want to run the risk of my premonitional powers inadvertently calling down an extraterrestrial armageddon on us. And, I couldn’t think of any thing else really cool to predict, like an ice cream thunderstorm or a remake of Family Ties.

In the end, I just played it straight and predicted all the things that will actually happen this year. Important pugilist bouts (possibly from prison) and the summer games and the presidential election. You’re welcome. And, any ill-gotten wagering earnings from Intrade as a result of my recommendations should be made directly depositable into my PayPal account. (For those new to the site, no word is safe from my reckless, and heretofore never heard, conjugation of it.)

DISCLAIMER: The ipoetlaureate does not condone or otherwise advocate the recreational use of divination, fortune telling, hokus pokus, or mumbo jumbo.

In other news, it’s a pretty big day.

First, the Houston Chronicle won’t quit their sort of embarrassing infatuation with me. I mean a couple weeks ago they had this really fawning bit about my Tim Tebow song and now they’ve gone and put in actual printed ink this obsequious story that goes on and on and on about how great I am and how awesome and innovative and cutting-edge and revenue-generating and forward-thinking and ground-breaking and well-worded and muscle-building and small-animal-rescuing and the greatest-thing-ever this site is.

I almost didn’t want to tell you guys about it. I mean, I guess, if you wanted to link over to the website or drive to Houston itself to purchase 3 or 4 hundred copies of the in-print paper, just to laugh at the Chron’s obsession with me, then that would be cool. But, it’s all pretty pathetic if you ask me.

See what I mean:

Just to be nice, I suppose I could theoretically give a huge, ginormous thank you to Sketch the Journalist and his editor for doing such a flattering and complimentary and well-done piece on me. But, I don’t want to lead them on. So, I would never say anything like that. Sometimes a clean break is for the best.

Also, it’s my birthday on Saturday and me and my boy are going to see the Kentucky Wildcats at Rupp Arena (His Christmas present, not mine; I mean I’m making a pretty, pretty big sacrifice to have to watch the second best team in the country play my favorite college team on my birthday. But, that’s what you do when you’re a dad, I suppose.)

Lastly — uggh my fingernails have carpel tunnel — I was at this conference in Atlanta, earlier in the week, where a handful of college students raised a modest $3 million dollars in four days to fight human slavery worldwide. I’d like to say something typically snarky here to act cool for my blong readers, but I can’t. It was all just too emotional. Praise God.

I guess the only thing left is to rattle this eight ball and whisper encouragingly, “Will I finish my real job work tonight and get some sleep?

“Don’t count on it.”

Typical.

Performed by the ipoetlaureate. Music produced pumpkinFoot.

Today’s song blog here:

Eightballin' 2012

09/8/11

2011 NFL iPreview

It’s not my fault that the Republicans debated and the POTUS presented to Congress his jobs’ plan the same week as the NFL resumed “work.” I had a choice to stay faithful to the original purpose of this site and cover the week’s politics or I could do an NFL preview and drive traffic. Go Skins!!!

I did make the slightest observation concerning the lost innocence of the game. It was a deft touch and shouldn’t evoke any serious guilt over your fantasy football league or major gambling problem.

I had to squeeze a full 17 week schedule plus playoffs in 8 bars of music, so if you have any questions concerning my actual prognostications, don’t hesitate to comment or inquire.

Just to reiterate, these songs are being prepared at warp speed under less than ideal sonic and recording conditions. So cut me half a break as I foray into pop-electronica. It might be a little “pitchy.” Oh, and I’m not a dang singer. I’m an emcee.

Performed by ipoet. Music produced by Sundance.

Today’s blong hit here:

Foam Finger

09/1/11

2011 College Football iPreview

It’s hipper to speak well of marching bands today than maybe in time’s past but, honestly, band kids still get it sort of bad. Unless, you participate in some hot step band troupe, it’s still sort of like ehhhh. Even there, no real celebrity attaches like with their counterparts in sport. More importantly, this time of year, band kids are working their tails off in preparation for entertainment that we will only ignore. The least I can do is give them a heads up on the College Football National Champion in case they might want to place some sort of anticipatory side wager (legally, in Nevada, of course).

I have used a special font harmonic that becomes visible through a complicated chemical reaction between the senses of the eye and ear that only the trained faculties of a marching band participant could induce. So, if you can read this, apparently you’re a band kid — at heart, if not, in fact. Sorry to break it to you. Nerdface! Hahahahahahahaha!

So everyone is picking Oklahoma and Alabama who reasonably should be viewed as having nearly the best talent. But, Virginia Tech and Wisconsin play no one. And, Wisconsin is good besides. If Virginia Tech can survive Georgia Tech, in Atlanta, I think they’ll have the resolve to take Florida State in the ACC Championship. Of course, as a Gamecock, all of this breaks my heart to say in light of the best South Carolina team arguably ever fielded. But, I know too well how the wheels can separate from the car.

Listen to see who will take the BCS title. Doubt me at your own financial peril. Three words: Mavs in six.

Performed by ipoet. Music produced by Jaq.

For the Band Kids

06/12/11

Like Winning

I hate it when I’m right. Picked the Mavericks to win the NBA Championship on January 3. Begrudgingly restaked the pick at the start of the playoffs. Only problem: I’ve wanted the Heat to win the whole dang time.

See, I’m a complicated frontrunner. I have a very particular hierarchy of fandom that I follow in choosing allegiances. I always pull for my teams. Washington Redskins. Atlanta Braves. South Carolina Gamecocks. Furman Paladins. I can’t be accused of being a complete frontrunner because none are remotely world-beaters, obviously. In the event that the sporting engagement, however, does not involve one of “my teams,” I pull for any team from the conference or division with which “my team” is affiliated. NFC East. NL East. SEC. SoCon. In the absence of any such affiliated teams, I pull for teams from my home state. Clemson, Wofford, College of Charleston. In the event that I have no rooting interest in a team that qualifies as one of the aforementioned categories — my team, my conference, or my state — I pull for the team or individual who I perceive to be either the greatest at that particular sporting endeavor or an otherwise once in a generation type of phenomenon. Tiger Woods. LeBron James. Bryce Harper. New England Patriots. I want to see greatness be great. This final rooting consideration is enhanced when I perceive that a substantial and associated record or accomplishment is at stake. So, if the Spurs, whom I despise and who I do not consider all-time great, had won two championships in a row, instead of 3 over five years, I would have felt a heightened compulsion to pull for the streak to continue in the third season. And, so, where most people were pulling for Navy to end their winless streak against Notre Dame football, as the impossible and longstanding underdog, all I could consider was the mass of time and generation necessary to have accumulated such a streak. Same with UNC’s home wins streak over Clemson. It’s too hard to establish. I can’t root for such streaks to fall.

Bottom line, if I don’t have a fairly direct personal interest in the competing teams, I pull for the team and situation that is most historically special or significant. I’ll pull for an underdog on occasion. But, my preference is for the underdog to push the champion or the elite athlete to the brink and then for that ultimate greatness, in the frontrunner, to prevail in some sort of magical way. Like I said, complicated.

So, for me, this NBA season, I have had a divided conscience. I felt like Dallas proved pretty consistently that they had the best parts. The Caron Butler injury created reasonable and substantial doubt in everyone’s minds and they faded from any real conversation as the playoffs approached. But, I thought the mistake of the entire sports media to predict their first-round upset at the hands of the Trailblazers, in combination with the Mavs’ actual greatness, was virtually the perfect cocktail of circumstances to spark a run. And, so they did. Unfortunately, I have been a LeBron James enthusiast his entire career. I pulled for the Cavs to win every year until their eventual and seasonal elimination in each of those same years. And, that allegiance to his perceived excellence and uniqueness in the pantheon of basketball greats (now seriously in question) was not abated in wake of The Decision, as ill-conceived as it was. And, added to my affection for his greatness individually, was the prospect that the Heat might do something singularly exceptional among history’s greatest teams. But, it was my belief that for something of that order to be accomplished, the Heat would have to slip up and get the unexpected first championship this year. But, they didn’t.

So, all this time, I have been pulling HARD against my own exceptional prognostication that the Mavericks would win it all. And, in six, no less. I just hate it when I’m right.

Written and performed by ipoet within minutes of the final buzzer. Electronica produced by Sundance.

Today’s song blog here:

I Hate it When I'm Write